Artistic Expression

I have always loved Art. How even a small child can express themselves with a simply a crayon and a piece of paper at such an early age. How so many great pieces just seem to flow out of you, almost without even any thought given to the process.
Not even just creating art either, I love how art affects different people in different ways. How 2 people can look at the same piece of artwork yet see and feel 2 different ways about it. How many of times you can see the artist's emotion in their work, and feel as though you know them. Then finally how emotionally moved a single piece of art can move or touch you emotionally. Sometimes without even being able to pinpoint what exactly it is you are drawn to, you just know that you are. It's beautiful.

Along the same lines is the power of music. I know they say that your sense of smell is the strongest for recalling things to memory, but I feel that songs do the same thing. Not necessarily sound or noise but a song or melody, can make you recall not only a specific point in time or person but also how you were personally feeling in that moment. One song can even contain many memories such as these, so that each time you hear it you think of these times, people and emotions.
Also how it can be years and years since you've heard a particular song, but once you hear it again you can remember all the words. This never ceases to amaze me. It goes to show how not all things are lost and how great and wonderful our brain really is. I cannot wait nor fathom what it be like when they reach their full capacities, and can see all that they will accomplish.
Such as art, I also enjoy how a song can cause you to feel connected to the writer or composer. How songs without lyrics can stir up so much emotion, and deeply affect it's listener. How songs can cause you to even visualize different things. Such a place or event that is sung about, or even just images from nature or everyday life that you feel are being depicted through music.
If I could listen to some sort of music 24-7 I would. As in movies have one massive soundtrack to my life, that played even while I slept, soothing me and seasoning my dreams. I think this would help so many people even, with depression or mental/emotional issues. I know that listening to the right song or type of music can instantly calm me and bring me to a better, happier place. How some songs can help me healthily release any bottled up anger or tension simply by hearing it or singing along.
I also wish I was musically talented so that I could express myself through the wonderful creative process of composing music, that I know will have this affect on others. For now though I stay a avid music appreciationist. (I've made up a lot of my own words for this blog, but I only when the correct term could not be defined by real ones.)

You Are Not Here

To say that I miss you, is simply not enough.
How living without you by my side is so tough.
While I am here, and you are there,
All I can think is just how unfair.

So many things every day are constantly reminding me of you.
Never letting me forget how I am now just One and not Two.
This has forced me to grow and discover a new me,
All the things I am capable of and all I want to be.
Still though it's as if my smile is only half of what it was,
and there is so much that's not as fun if it is not Us.

Then I can't begin to explain how hard it's been this year.
Coping with worst case scenarios and the reality of my fear.
Slowly breaking me down and taking their heavy toll,
I feel as though over my own life I have absolutely no control.
Maybe if you were here I might still feel this way.
How it would've all played out, whose really to say.

As things keep changing, so much goes through my mind.
If now I loose you too, no one else could I find.
I no longer have so many who were once close.
Without you, being all alone is what I dread the most.
While I always knew each had their own path to take,
All finding it at once, leaves me with decisions to make.

Because of all of this it's hard to say who I'll be.
Will you even know and understand that that is now me?
How will this affect us, once you have come home?
Even when you're here again, will I still feel all alone?

Expect the Unexpected

I'm sorry if this is somewhat repetitive of my "Spare Change" blog. I feel that it is somewhat different however.

It's crazy to me how one afternoon can cause you to completely have rethinking your entire future. How one simple thought of something different and new, brings with it other thoughts, and then another, until there is this whole new path laid ahead of you. This can be a bit daunting, and you haven't even actually chosen this course or taken any actions in that direction, and already thinking of all that it could mean, or could involve.
While on the way to lunch I was explaining to my mom what my new schedule at work will be, and what this will most likely entail. Then after I was making all sorts of mental plans about quitting, possibly doing some sort of school if necessary, and going into a completely different field and environment.
Will this new opportunity work out? Would it be worth giving up my dependable job of almost 7 years, with awesome benefits? I do want to be doing something different, is this it though? Will I end up feeling like this is my career for life whether I enjoy it or not? Will I be able to live on and take care of all of my bills with a decreased salary? Will this open new doors of positive change, working part time and pioneering again? Will this anchor me to live at home for eternity? Is that really a bad thing?Is this what I really want to do, or do I feel some sort of obligation? Will it even all work out? Is this what I need?

I tell you change is not easy. Once things start changing it requires only more change to adjust, then more. I know that it is wise to "consider the cost", and weigh all the positive and negative aspects of any major decision beforehand. To be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. To not be afraid of change and the unknown, many of times that is what we need and don't know it. When does proper analysis of a situation, and hypothetical situations of possible outcomes by choosing one way or the other, turn into over thinking or analyzing, into worthless worrying, and unneeded stress?

Taken For Granted

I have always considered myself to be a stop and smell the roses kind of person, but recently I am not so sure.
When going out of town, or camping, I always think of how fortunate all those that actually live in these beautiful places are. Whether it be in a bustling city with millions of gorgeous twinkling lights, and so many different opportunities available to go and do or see, almost anything imaginable. Or being surrounded by Nature and all of its beauty, not fully being able to soak it in all at once. The trees, the plants, the wildlife and their sounds, the ocean and it's melody, the stars themselves are so phenomenal alone. I wonder if the people that are around these things all the time even really appreciate just how incredible everything around them truly is? Have they grown accustomed to it all as just a part of their daily life, something ordinary?
While I think this is sad, and in some ways almost cheats Jehovah. That his creation doesn't always fully appreciate all the wonders that lay around them. At the same timehowever, there is much around me that is so beautiful here at my very home. Our backyard is so pretty and inviting. Full of so many different inviting scenarios, yet I hardly take advantage of any. I often think that I should and how much I will enjoy it. Sitting by the pool, or in the shade from one of our magnificent oak trees, even one to swing from, listening and watching the 20 different types of birds that are always playing in the neighborhood, listen to the waterfall, watch the sunrise behind the trees in the distance and sunset upon the hill to the right, at night there are even quite a few stars that can be seen, and the always glorious shining moon to gaze upon, Whether it be lack or time or simply motivation, I end up thinking or saying I should enjoy all of this more often than I actually do.

Also a bit ago on my way home, I was severely delayed by a slow moving truck which then decided to stop for unknown reasons. Had I been in a hurry I probably would have be upset and start going over various insults in my mind, but I was calm and was willing to let this driver figure out what he needed to do. Had it not been for this though I would never have looked to my right and saw this incredible greenery decorating a small creek. This made me stop and think for I can't even imagine how many times I have driven by this and never once noticed. For at least 5 years to and from work, meetings, service, and almost every errand thinkable, I have driven by this and never even acknowledged it. Now as long as I am not in a hurry, I slow down at this point in the road on the way home, along with a few others, to take a little extra time to appreciate these, as they deserve to be.
How many simple things are like this though that continue to be ignored? Although slowly discovering them makes me not so envious of those that do get to live in the mountains, or by the ocean or many other spectacular destinations, because right in front of me, us, everyday there is such miraculous beauty from our Creator, there waiting simply for our enjoyment.


This also causes me to think of, if any, other things in my life I take for granted but just going through life day by day. I know that at times I can do this with people, especially those close to me. When you see people everyday, like your family, at times it's easy for some of their various traits to irritate you, or get on your nerves a bit. But once you no longer have to "put up" with this person and all their little quirks, seems like only that's when you realize how many things you did really enjoy about that person being such an active part of your life. Even my parents, whom I still live with I feel I don't spend enough quality time with, or even fully appreciate all the time. They're so loving, encouraging and supportive. I know that I'm truly fortunate to have them as my parents. Do I sometimes so this with others as well? Other members of my family, my friends?

I know all of this is very idealistic. I know that if were to try and show more appreciation to those that are close to me, and to try and savor all of my surroundings, and live in each special moment, that if all of this is even possible it would be quite exhausting after awhile, and who knows perhaps then they would become ordinary then once they part of my routine. I'm hoping that maybe by acknowledging that it is so easy to let all that is around us everyday (whether it be scenery or those we love) become just part of our everyday life, and nothing that's really all that special anymore, that a more concerted effort could be made to try and enjoy all this to the fullest of our capabilities. Then take time out now and then to really evaluate things in your life that you could possibly be neglecting and open your eyes to all sorts of opportunities to enjoy simple moments of greatness as they present themselves.

End In Sight

So as many of you are aware, my mom was diagnosed with Lymphoma Cancer in December and has been undergoing Chemotherapy treatments for over 3 months now.

All together I am so amazingly proud how strong and positive she's been throughout all of this. She's just been focused on the future and a trip to Utah to serve where the need is greater during the summer.

It's almost surprising how many people something like this actually affects. Some days I think Dad, I, my grandparents, even Danny are having a harder time coping with it than she does. It is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love so much in so much pain and discomfort though, knowing that there's nothing you can do to make them feel better. Our congregation has just been awesome as well. Helping out with meals or errands when needed. There for moral support and encouragement.

Now I'm happy to report that her last body scan was phenomeonal. She only has one more treatment of Chemo left and then her Doctor is confidant that she will be done. We can all not be any more excited. I keep saying that soon we will have a hard to remember that these few months ever happened.

There is a good chance too that some of her previous health problems that she had been coping with were related to the cancer and she will no longer have either. We'll just have to wait and see about that, but in the mean time we're celebrating this victory!

Honestly?

So I'm going to write about 2 subjects in this blog, but I feel that they are similar in a lot of ways and somewhat related, so I thought they should be grouped together. Both of these things, have in more recent years started to really irritate me. Or perhaps I've only just recently noticed just how often people do these things.

First I hate when people build other people up in there minds. Whether it be someone you think of romantically or even just simply idolize or look up to. I just see this as a sure way to have people disappoint you. I can't tell you how many people do this too, a lot! They either upon limited knowledge or encounters with an individual, or with ones they once knew fairly well but have not seen or spoken with for sometime, start expanding and elaborating on this person's characteristics and traits they are not familiar with. Partially based upon what they do know about this individual to be true, but the rest of this person's personality is completely fabricated. Most often these elaborations and fabrications make this individual more like the other person wants them to be. After a certain point though the individual now is a complete fabrication and nothing like their true self. Which now is no competition for who the person has envisioned them to be. This is the part that frustrates and irritates me. The individual did nothing wrong, they were themselves the entire time. The person however has built them up to imaginary perfection to which no one could measure.
I have known of at least one occurance where I fell short to someone's expectation of me. (Possibly why I do feel so strongly about this process) At first I felt so horrible that I had disappointed this person, when in actuality it was to no fault of my own. I was simply myself, which didn't match up against who this person had built me up to be.

The Second thing that irritates me and that I don't understand why anyone would do this, is when people convince themselves that they feel a certain way. Whether it be how they feel about someone or something. This I also cannot believe how many people actually do.
The Bible tells us that the heart is treacherous, so I don't understand why someone would start contridicting their brain also. If I know I feel this way for a certainty, why would I start forcing myself to try to think that I feel another way about the same thing. To me it's like a math equation that doesn't add up. If X=1 that doesn't mean that when you look at X upside down or at a different angle, or with your eyes squinted and X starts to blur, that it equals something else now. It still equals 1, not 2 or Y or anything else but 1.
When people do this I just always see it blowing up in their faces. Cause you can't lie to yourself or hide how you truely feel about something for that long without the truth coming out. Often in the result of someone or yourself getting hurt.

I think that if we all just stick to what we do know, and not what we don't know, we will be disappointed less and even pleasantly surprised now and then. Don't try and make anything something that it's not, be it a person or thing, or even our own feelings toward something. Stay true to yourself and the facts.

Back in the Good Old Days

I often think of how things that remind of us of our childhood or years long past, we are particularly fond of. Whether it be an old tv show, a classic songs that brigns us back, sometimes even certain types of food, or even familar long time friends.
Now I myself am very nostalgic. I hold onto many things and memories for a variety of reasons. I wouldn't say that I live in the past, which I consider to be potentially dangerous, but always try to keep that past close to me. To remind me of where I've been and how I've got to become who I am today.

I do find it interesting that so many, including myself, refer to our times as a child or even perhaps just years ago as the good old days. I think that one reason that memories and things that remind us of these "good old days" is because we often remember the good things about that time, possibly even building up just how happy we actually were at that time.

After much thought and contemplation I really tried how to recall how I felt in my "good old days" and honestly don't think that at the time I really thought that it was going to be a highlight in my life, probably couldn't have listed you one positive thing at that time about how good my life was then. Just how good the "good old days" actually are I think can only be fully realized only until much time has passed and your new experiences cause you to build up a time when you life did not contain many of the stresses and anxieties as it does now. But if think that in 10, 20, 30 years (If this system continues that is. I'm sure none of this would be true in the new order.) when we look back at the time we are living in now we will it the "good old days". I just find it all interesting that we can't fully appreciate the time we are living in while we are living in it, for the most part.
Granted I am sure that some do. And there are moments of fantasticness and pure joy that we readily recognize as they occur. Just wish that we, I, could feel like that about the time I am living. Without being pessimistic or unrealistic that is. Maybe that's why there are some that choose to live each day as it comes and live in the moment. Although I wish there was some sort of middle ground. Where we could look and plan for a hopeful and happy future, while still appreciating life and greatness that we are living in at the time.

These are the Good Days. Bad things happen, and will happen. But if our wonderful childhood and even teenage years teach us anything is that we , for the most part, reflect more on all the good things and happy memories we have of that time. All those bad things often fade into the distance, or at least become dull and not nearly as painful with time. So the same will be true with anything tramatic in our lives right now. We need to dwell on what makes us happy, things that we enjoy, and people we love.

Spare Change

Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I do not handle change well. Over the years I have learned that change is an inherit way of life and that it does happen, whether you like it to or not. That some change is necessary, and that many of changes are often for the good. However I still have a most difficult time when change does happen and most of all when it affects me personally.

I recently have had a numerous amounts of changes in my life, some good and some bad. This has cause me myself to change, unlike never before. I find myself questioning everything. Who I am, where am I going, what will I become? My goals, outlook on life, and lived-by personal philosophecies seem to all be changing. I seem to live one day at a time.

Things I once felt so strongly and passionate for, I am now indifferent toward. Somethings that I always thought I wanted and looked forward to, I now could care less about. In turn things I never imagined even wanting in my life, I suddenly feel the desire even the need for. Things I was so confident about knowing about myself, I now second guess.

I hate that I'm this person that I don't even know.

I don't know if all these changes will help me in times to come, to better cope with greater changes in the future. Or if now I have become more internally unstable, and possibly vulernable to unseen disaters? Is all this just some sort of mid-mid-life crisis, or an emotional breakdown of sorts (minus the emotion), and once all is said in done I'll be back to good ol' me again?

I suppose only with the passing of time and with reliance upon Jehovah can I see the answers to my questions.

Robotic Tendencies

When things in a person's life go bad, often times they are asked how they feel, how they're coping. This is usually to discern what kind and how much aid this person will need. Whether it be a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, or maybe even actual physical assistance.

As a person who as I can best describe it, has the emotions of a Robot, I find it difficult to express how I feel when things do go wrong.

The last few months have been very difficult. I have had many of tragic things side swipe my family and myself, still dealing with the aftermath or ongoing struggle of it all of you will.

It's hard to answer normal, human people when asked "How am I doing?" I just don't know how to express it to them unless they truly know me and how my Robotic emotions work. Honestly I am not sad. I don't need a shoulder to cry on, or a comforting hug, or someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. I analyse all the positive and negative data related to the circumstance and try to best guesstimate what the best possible outcome could be in the situation, and what actions I must take to achieve that optimal outcome.

However I'm not exactly sure why but sometimes I feel the need to, for lack of a better term, fake that I have normal emotions so as not as to raise a bunch of unnecessary questions or concerns. In normal situations where most of those present are sad, or grieving, or crying, say at a funeral, I on occasion feel some sort of obligation to make myself cry or at least appear to be fighting the tears, when really I am struggling to not look like a heartless cold Robot that I am.

Now this of course is not to say that I am completely unfeeling. I consider myself a considerably happy person in general, and I am known to be compassionate and caring to those that I love, which of course an actual Robot would not be able to do. Just when it comes to displaying in depth emotions such as Sadness, Rage, Affection, these come as a great task to me.

Many times I feel however that my Robotic Tendencies have spared me much heartache and grief that I see many around me undergoing. So I do consider myself fortunate for this reason. I also do my best to learn from others emotions and the circumstances which led to them feeling that way either to prevent or try to attain something similar in my life, if possible.

While all this is true I am always here for a human friend in need that maybe going through an emotionally rough time. I may not be able to sympathise or know how or why you are feeling the way you do, but I can ask how you are doing? Then determine what sort of action I must take to aid you so that you can once again feel happy. My ears, shoulders and open arms are available upon times of need.

So What's New With You?

It's funny how often this little question gets asked, at social gatherings, unexpected reencounters, etc. I feel that this question only leads to rather awkward conversations, more so even the longer it's been since you've seen the person who asked it.

For someone like myself who has a difficulty with change, and pretty much keeps everything that can be controlled consistant, this question just makes me seem boring or makes the person who asked it feel bad for me in some way. "Oh how sad, you're still at that same old job?", " Oh you're still living at home, with your parents?", "Oh you still don't have a husband, boyfriend, or even an optomistic potential life partner? I'm so sorry for you."

Usually these are followed by how amazing or happy their life is. "Oh ya, me and my new husband/wife are so happy, just got a new house and are expecting our first child, so I'm real glad that I got that super-duper new job to help pay for all it." Not to say that I, or people like me, aren't extremely excited for all of your accomplishments, but depending on the person and how this information is presented, at times it can seem degrading. Especially when having given our "Same Old Thing" response to your intial question, and your obvious pity/sorry tone for how boring or horrible our life must be.

To clarify for anyone out there that may possible do this even unknowingly even, here's some clarifications that I think will help you when you feel compelled to ask this question but at times don't know how to respond to the other person's answer.

*Just becasue you're extremely happy with your spouse, child, home, job, family, etc. Doesn't mean that everyone that doesn't have these things isn't happy.

*The "Same Old Thing" in a person's life often causes them to be the same. Many times leaving the way for now distant friendships to return back the way they were left.

*If you are happy, and do have amazing new developments in your life, we do wanna know and share that joy with you. It won't make us feel bad about our own life.

In addition I think many times, especially if it has been an extreme amount of time since you've seen this person, little things and changes don't come up in conversation. Ofter disgarded as non-noteworthy. "Oh well I painted my room last week.", "I just bought the new Coldplay CD.", "I just went camping for the weekend." All things that could make me happy but in the context of this converstion seem unimportant. But a bunch of these little "New Things" could really contribute to a person's happiness. Which ultimatly is the reason for asking the question, to find out what's going on this persons life and how they're doing.

Sad to say to that many of times, depending on the people and the circumstances, if there is something that is "New" in the person's life that is sad, horrible or depressing, that may often be completely ommitted so as not to pass on this downer of a feeling and potentially end the conversation even more awkwardly.

If given more thought I hope to find a different way of phrasing this question so that any awkward moments could be avoided while still leaving the general concern for the person's well being and happiness in tact. Then seeing a face that you haven't in awhile won't always include feelings of unsatisfacation, pity or pessimistic assumptions, but rather indeed catch people up on what the other's life is and has been like since you've last seen each other.