Reasoning, Justification and Timing

You know how sometimes when you get a thought or idea in your head about something, you seem to be more perceptive to that thought or idea around you? How you start to seeing or hearing and being reminded of this thought and how through these various situations your idea will be either affirmed in you mind or will be disproved? Well I've been having this happen a lot to me lately. Like there is this important message that needs to get through to me, and through repetitions and reminders from all around me hopefully I will take it to heart.

At our Convention last month a main point that stood out to me was that of our reasoning. Then since then I keep seeing this caution in my personal study, at the Meetings, through various examples and conversations with friends. How our reasoning can be off, how we can reason or justify something wrongfully. While the knowledge that the heart is "treacherous and desperate" is accepted it's hard to swallow that our logic and judgment can be misleading as well. There are so many things that because of wrongful desires and allowing our hearts to affect our logic, we can start to come up with all these various reasons as to why what is not ok, now is for us. We can justify this to ourselves, then sometimes to others as well. This idea makes everything so uncertain. Remembering though while our circumstances, attitudes and view points change with time, Jehovah's standards stay the same always and are trustworthy. This brings the ever strong need for self evaluation, which I feel I am constantly doing, especially right now.
I feel like I can't trust my thinking at all. After many changes in my circumstances, I find myself more emotional than ever and this just makes me feel vulnerable to allowing my treacherous heart to start overtaking my logic and causing me to reason and justify things in my life that are far from the correct path I should be on. This is why I am grateful for all of these reminders that I've been given. Reminding me to constantly be on guard and honestly self evaluating my thinking and reasoning. Hopefully as I adjust better to all that is happening in my life, I can be a little more laxed and trust myself a little more, but only a little.

This has all made me look and see where others have failed as well, as a warning for myself. Trying to distinguish where they might have started to justify that their actions were no longer harmful, and various warning signs to look for before their eventual fall. Do I find myself close to any of these bad examples that I know? Where am I really, and where do I need to be?

Perspective

I've been thinking of how much the simple pass of time can change your perspective on things. How something that was once so precious and special to you at first, after you've had it awhile it just becomes a normal part of your everyday life. No longer viewed as something special just there. Possibly even forgetting it's even there at all, a constant oversight, lost. Then sadly you only are brought back to remembering just how important and special it is to you when you are at risk of loosing it or worse no longer have it.

I was thinking too of how this can even happen with people, our friends and loved ones. How when we don't get to see someone we love that often we cherish every moment we do get to spend with them. Then those we see everyday or are always in our lives, like our family, we tend to not value as much. Even possibly get irritated with some of their personal traits when too much time is spent with the person. Sometimes the irritation and annoyance can even be more focused on than how much you actually do love this person, and how much they contribute to your life. It makes me think of how growing up my little brother and I didn't get along that much, and it was always usually over stupid little things. Then as soon as I no longer saw him everyday, or had to share a bathroom, etc. I missed having him just right there close to me. To have someone to laugh with, to vent to, to just have someone there at times. So now when I spend time with him I appreciate our relationship and try not to let all the little things that still may come up affect that.

While I think the sense of novelty and splendor with anything or anyone will eventually have to fade, I can only wish that I do not let it be extinguished. Try and take the time to really evaluate all that I have that is truly precious in my life and how much different my life would be if I no longer had that/them in my life, then cherish these.

Artistic Expression

I have always loved Art. How even a small child can express themselves with a simply a crayon and a piece of paper at such an early age. How so many great pieces just seem to flow out of you, almost without even any thought given to the process.
Not even just creating art either, I love how art affects different people in different ways. How 2 people can look at the same piece of artwork yet see and feel 2 different ways about it. How many of times you can see the artist's emotion in their work, and feel as though you know them. Then finally how emotionally moved a single piece of art can move or touch you emotionally. Sometimes without even being able to pinpoint what exactly it is you are drawn to, you just know that you are. It's beautiful.

Along the same lines is the power of music. I know they say that your sense of smell is the strongest for recalling things to memory, but I feel that songs do the same thing. Not necessarily sound or noise but a song or melody, can make you recall not only a specific point in time or person but also how you were personally feeling in that moment. One song can even contain many memories such as these, so that each time you hear it you think of these times, people and emotions.
Also how it can be years and years since you've heard a particular song, but once you hear it again you can remember all the words. This never ceases to amaze me. It goes to show how not all things are lost and how great and wonderful our brain really is. I cannot wait nor fathom what it be like when they reach their full capacities, and can see all that they will accomplish.
Such as art, I also enjoy how a song can cause you to feel connected to the writer or composer. How songs without lyrics can stir up so much emotion, and deeply affect it's listener. How songs can cause you to even visualize different things. Such a place or event that is sung about, or even just images from nature or everyday life that you feel are being depicted through music.
If I could listen to some sort of music 24-7 I would. As in movies have one massive soundtrack to my life, that played even while I slept, soothing me and seasoning my dreams. I think this would help so many people even, with depression or mental/emotional issues. I know that listening to the right song or type of music can instantly calm me and bring me to a better, happier place. How some songs can help me healthily release any bottled up anger or tension simply by hearing it or singing along.
I also wish I was musically talented so that I could express myself through the wonderful creative process of composing music, that I know will have this affect on others. For now though I stay a avid music appreciationist. (I've made up a lot of my own words for this blog, but I only when the correct term could not be defined by real ones.)

You Are Not Here

To say that I miss you, is simply not enough.
How living without you by my side is so tough.
While I am here, and you are there,
All I can think is just how unfair.

So many things every day are constantly reminding me of you.
Never letting me forget how I am now just One and not Two.
This has forced me to grow and discover a new me,
All the things I am capable of and all I want to be.
Still though it's as if my smile is only half of what it was,
and there is so much that's not as fun if it is not Us.

Then I can't begin to explain how hard it's been this year.
Coping with worst case scenarios and the reality of my fear.
Slowly breaking me down and taking their heavy toll,
I feel as though over my own life I have absolutely no control.
Maybe if you were here I might still feel this way.
How it would've all played out, whose really to say.

As things keep changing, so much goes through my mind.
If now I loose you too, no one else could I find.
I no longer have so many who were once close.
Without you, being all alone is what I dread the most.
While I always knew each had their own path to take,
All finding it at once, leaves me with decisions to make.

Because of all of this it's hard to say who I'll be.
Will you even know and understand that that is now me?
How will this affect us, once you have come home?
Even when you're here again, will I still feel all alone?

Expect the Unexpected

I'm sorry if this is somewhat repetitive of my "Spare Change" blog. I feel that it is somewhat different however.

It's crazy to me how one afternoon can cause you to completely have rethinking your entire future. How one simple thought of something different and new, brings with it other thoughts, and then another, until there is this whole new path laid ahead of you. This can be a bit daunting, and you haven't even actually chosen this course or taken any actions in that direction, and already thinking of all that it could mean, or could involve.
While on the way to lunch I was explaining to my mom what my new schedule at work will be, and what this will most likely entail. Then after I was making all sorts of mental plans about quitting, possibly doing some sort of school if necessary, and going into a completely different field and environment.
Will this new opportunity work out? Would it be worth giving up my dependable job of almost 7 years, with awesome benefits? I do want to be doing something different, is this it though? Will I end up feeling like this is my career for life whether I enjoy it or not? Will I be able to live on and take care of all of my bills with a decreased salary? Will this open new doors of positive change, working part time and pioneering again? Will this anchor me to live at home for eternity? Is that really a bad thing?Is this what I really want to do, or do I feel some sort of obligation? Will it even all work out? Is this what I need?

I tell you change is not easy. Once things start changing it requires only more change to adjust, then more. I know that it is wise to "consider the cost", and weigh all the positive and negative aspects of any major decision beforehand. To be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. To not be afraid of change and the unknown, many of times that is what we need and don't know it. When does proper analysis of a situation, and hypothetical situations of possible outcomes by choosing one way or the other, turn into over thinking or analyzing, into worthless worrying, and unneeded stress?

Taken For Granted

I have always considered myself to be a stop and smell the roses kind of person, but recently I am not so sure.
When going out of town, or camping, I always think of how fortunate all those that actually live in these beautiful places are. Whether it be in a bustling city with millions of gorgeous twinkling lights, and so many different opportunities available to go and do or see, almost anything imaginable. Or being surrounded by Nature and all of its beauty, not fully being able to soak it in all at once. The trees, the plants, the wildlife and their sounds, the ocean and it's melody, the stars themselves are so phenomenal alone. I wonder if the people that are around these things all the time even really appreciate just how incredible everything around them truly is? Have they grown accustomed to it all as just a part of their daily life, something ordinary?
While I think this is sad, and in some ways almost cheats Jehovah. That his creation doesn't always fully appreciate all the wonders that lay around them. At the same timehowever, there is much around me that is so beautiful here at my very home. Our backyard is so pretty and inviting. Full of so many different inviting scenarios, yet I hardly take advantage of any. I often think that I should and how much I will enjoy it. Sitting by the pool, or in the shade from one of our magnificent oak trees, even one to swing from, listening and watching the 20 different types of birds that are always playing in the neighborhood, listen to the waterfall, watch the sunrise behind the trees in the distance and sunset upon the hill to the right, at night there are even quite a few stars that can be seen, and the always glorious shining moon to gaze upon, Whether it be lack or time or simply motivation, I end up thinking or saying I should enjoy all of this more often than I actually do.

Also a bit ago on my way home, I was severely delayed by a slow moving truck which then decided to stop for unknown reasons. Had I been in a hurry I probably would have be upset and start going over various insults in my mind, but I was calm and was willing to let this driver figure out what he needed to do. Had it not been for this though I would never have looked to my right and saw this incredible greenery decorating a small creek. This made me stop and think for I can't even imagine how many times I have driven by this and never once noticed. For at least 5 years to and from work, meetings, service, and almost every errand thinkable, I have driven by this and never even acknowledged it. Now as long as I am not in a hurry, I slow down at this point in the road on the way home, along with a few others, to take a little extra time to appreciate these, as they deserve to be.
How many simple things are like this though that continue to be ignored? Although slowly discovering them makes me not so envious of those that do get to live in the mountains, or by the ocean or many other spectacular destinations, because right in front of me, us, everyday there is such miraculous beauty from our Creator, there waiting simply for our enjoyment.


This also causes me to think of, if any, other things in my life I take for granted but just going through life day by day. I know that at times I can do this with people, especially those close to me. When you see people everyday, like your family, at times it's easy for some of their various traits to irritate you, or get on your nerves a bit. But once you no longer have to "put up" with this person and all their little quirks, seems like only that's when you realize how many things you did really enjoy about that person being such an active part of your life. Even my parents, whom I still live with I feel I don't spend enough quality time with, or even fully appreciate all the time. They're so loving, encouraging and supportive. I know that I'm truly fortunate to have them as my parents. Do I sometimes so this with others as well? Other members of my family, my friends?

I know all of this is very idealistic. I know that if were to try and show more appreciation to those that are close to me, and to try and savor all of my surroundings, and live in each special moment, that if all of this is even possible it would be quite exhausting after awhile, and who knows perhaps then they would become ordinary then once they part of my routine. I'm hoping that maybe by acknowledging that it is so easy to let all that is around us everyday (whether it be scenery or those we love) become just part of our everyday life, and nothing that's really all that special anymore, that a more concerted effort could be made to try and enjoy all this to the fullest of our capabilities. Then take time out now and then to really evaluate things in your life that you could possibly be neglecting and open your eyes to all sorts of opportunities to enjoy simple moments of greatness as they present themselves.

End In Sight

So as many of you are aware, my mom was diagnosed with Lymphoma Cancer in December and has been undergoing Chemotherapy treatments for over 3 months now.

All together I am so amazingly proud how strong and positive she's been throughout all of this. She's just been focused on the future and a trip to Utah to serve where the need is greater during the summer.

It's almost surprising how many people something like this actually affects. Some days I think Dad, I, my grandparents, even Danny are having a harder time coping with it than she does. It is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love so much in so much pain and discomfort though, knowing that there's nothing you can do to make them feel better. Our congregation has just been awesome as well. Helping out with meals or errands when needed. There for moral support and encouragement.

Now I'm happy to report that her last body scan was phenomeonal. She only has one more treatment of Chemo left and then her Doctor is confidant that she will be done. We can all not be any more excited. I keep saying that soon we will have a hard to remember that these few months ever happened.

There is a good chance too that some of her previous health problems that she had been coping with were related to the cancer and she will no longer have either. We'll just have to wait and see about that, but in the mean time we're celebrating this victory!